So I learned something about myself after traveling back from Costa Rica: I can be a total bitch to travel with.
Let me clarify-I'm awesome and fun and adventurous and love exploring, but plane travel? Makes me so ragey. Like, I don't know who took over my body because I'm so angry I could spit fire at you.
Here are 10 things that piss me off about airplane travel:
1. Having to be so damn early to the airport just to get through security and sit there.
2. Security. Seriously, people, get your shit out of your pockets and bags, take off your belt and shoes, and put them in the damn tray and get out of my way. Have all of you slow people seriously never traveled before? Did you forget that we still have to take our shoes and jackets and basically everything but our underwear off to go through the metal detector? What is your deal?!?!
3. Having to wait for a 'female assist' when I opt out of going through that death chamber. I do not go through that radiation bullshit. I'll take the full stupid pat down. It's fine. Just hurry the fuck up already. I know they're slow on purpose to punish me, but come the fuck on. One time I had to wait twenty minutes when there was a female assistant standing two lanes over talking to her coworker. *@#$)@#($)@#($)(#@)%**%(&$#^(@$_!)
4. Getting on the plane and having to wait for that one asshole that sets his bag down and rifles through it while he finds whatever is so damn important he didn't do it before. Instead, he takes his sweet time and blocks traffic and then doesn't even seem to notice or care when we have to stand there shifting from foot to foot waiting impatiently.
5. The 100 pound girl with the 150 lb bag that requires a 'big strong man' (barf) to come help her put it in the overhead. Pack a smaller bag, or check it. And also get out of my way before I throw you into your seat.
6. The person that leans their chair back even though it only gains them 3 inches of space and somehow makes me lose 12. If you do that to me, I will put my knees into your back for the entire flight or until you move it out of my way. (yes, I'm an asshole)
7. Having to wait for the door to open when it's time to get off. WHY does it take so damn long to open the door?? I know that you saw the plane coming and at the very least heard from the cockpit that we were pulling up. Aren't your prepared? Aren't you sitting there watching the plane pull up ready with your controller to line up the door and then immediately open it? What's the deal?!?!
8. The people who take their sweet assed time getting off the plane. I hate you. Unless you have kids, I hate you. If you put your bag in an overhead bin behind where your seat is, you have to wait until almost everyone else has gotten off the plane. Or you have to ask someone to hand it to you. Making me wait while you push against the flow of traffic to get your stupid Disneyland roller bag even though you are 25 makes me want to stab your eyes out. Get it beforehand or wait.
9. The people who walk slowly up the walkway from the plane. I want to get out of here!!! I'm claustrophobic and annoyed and don't want to wait for you to shuffle out of my way. What if I'm running late between connections?! Hurry up, people!! Also, if you take up the entire walkway so I can't pass you on the left, I will shoulder check you out of my way. And then have to wait for B at the top who is patiently walking behind all the old people.
10. Just having to wait, period. Once I'm off the plane, everything needs to go in fast forward or I need to go and scream at something. Even if it's a wall. I'm getting annoyed writing this. Damn I really hate airplane travel. Maybe from now on I should take a boat or a car or a train. Any where that doesn't force me to be in confined space with other assholes breathing their stink breath into my general area and also possibly farting.
So if you ever go on a vacation with me, I promise I will be awesome once we get to our said destination. But while we're navigating the people in the airport, you might not want to associate with me.
It's not just me, right? Please tell me you get annoyed by stupid people at the airport too.