When I was younger, my mom didn't change her name until I was 12 or so. In fact, my parents didn't get legally married until I was 12 or so-I love joking that I'm a bastard. But when I was younger, I always thought it was weird my mom didn't change her name. Like she didn't want to be part of the family or something. I always wondered why I had my dad's last name and not my mom's. How did they decide that the kids got his last name? I didn't understand how that worked.
So I have always had mixed feelings on the subject of changing my last name. I like the idea of having the same name as the rest of the family. I hate that if the mom doesn't change her name she's like the outsider or something. And I hate that it's assumed that the woman changes her name-assumed in society, not in my relationship. I've heard that some families get married and they both change their name to a different last name. Which sounds kind of fun, but maybe kind of weird.
B and I have talked about me changing my name. He's always said I don't have to if I don't want, which I really appreciate. But deep down, I always knew that I would change it because I have always wanted to be married to him. He's the only person I've ever been able to picture marrying, and the only person I have ever even considered changing my name for. It's weird, though. I like my old last name. It was a part of me. But I don't want to hyphenate it and I want to have the same name as my family. Before we got married I would always get excited to make reservations using B's last name. So even though I'm kind of sad to let my old name go, I'm so happy that I get to use B's.
The process of changing your name is a pain in the ass. I got a new social security card, and the other day I went to the DMV. I had made an appointment at 9am so I was kind of rushing around making sure I had all the paperwork before I left. As I was walking out the door I said to B "I hope I don't have to have my picture taken" because I looked awful. My hair was still wet, I had huge bags under my eyes, and I was wearing a Sesame Street t shirt. I love that t shirt, but I don't exactly want it on my driver's license. Anyway, once we got there I filled out all the paperwork. Making an appointment is the best idea, it makes everything go so much faster. And you get to cut in line which is always fun. It makes me feel important. When I had finished the paperwork I asked the DMV lady if I would have to have my picture taken and she said "no, you can use your old picture."
But she wasn't paying attention and printed off my stuff and then said "Tar-uh, are you having your name changed?"
Uh...yeah, that's why I'm here. And it's not Tar-uh. But I just said "yes."
"Oh, sorry about that, I have to re-do this. And you are going to have to have your picture taken."
Crap. Well, I guess it's a driver's license picture. They're supposed to be bad, right?
So what are your thoughts on changing your name? Have you done it? Were you as conflicted as me? I'm really curious if other people feel the same way, or if they didn't even think about it.
Happy Friday!
tara
Initially I hyphenated my surname and my husband's. It was a pain and since I'm very lazy I switched to his just before our first child was born so we could all be a singular unit. It's much easier. But both our sons have my surname as a middle name, because I wanted them to have a touchstone to my ethnic/cultural identity.
ReplyDeleteMy only issue is when people refer to me as Mrs "Husband's Surname." I still don't respond to it after 10+ years. This is because in my head that's not me, that's my Mother-in-law.
Oooh I love that you gave your sons your last name. What a good idea. My last name would be a totally weird middle name though. But I love that idea.
DeleteHahah that's funny! "Oh, wait, you mean me?"
When my mom and dad divorced, she took her maiden name back. Nobody else I knew then was from a divorced family. (Shows how old I am!) Anyway, I always HATED that her last name was different from mine. My friends and teachers and other kids' parents would always call her Mrs. Mylastname and she would ALWAYS correct them and make everyone feel uncomfortable, and I would be so embarrassed. I swore I'd always have the same last name as my children.
ReplyDeleteI changed my name when I got married so that I would have the same name as my kids. It was just important to me. (although in today's society you frequently see families with all different names and nobody ever bats an eye)
If we had thought we'd never have kids, I probably wouldn't have changed it, though. I know this will sound weird, but I didn't care about having the same name as my husband...just kids-because of how I felt growing up.
This was a great post and such a thought provoking topic!!
That's exactly how I feel-if I didn't think I would be having kids I miiiight not change it. Because I want everyone to have the same name. I don't want to be the different one. Even though in today's society it's totally normal, I just always wanted my mom to have the same last name as me-even if it was hers!
DeleteThanks! And thanks for responding, I'm always so curious how other people feel!
I loved my old last name: Breeze. I didn't think I'd ever really be happy about losing it, but when the time came I didn't mind at all. I was happy to take Whim's name. I totally lucked out in the name department though- Jingjit is nothing compared to some Thai names out there. I have friends/acquaintences with last names like Kriengprariyagit and Porncharuekchaleorn.
ReplyDeleteOooh Breeze is a cool last name! Hahah oh my god! Those are ridiculous! Jingjit is pretty good. My old last name was Curley. I like it. But I'm okay taking B's :)
DeleteIn my country, we don't have to take out husband's last name, or wear a wedding ring. It's not in our culture I guess. Although I'd love to have my husband's last name. And not having a ring creates some awkward moments guess. If given the choice I'd take his name, no questions asked.
ReplyDeleteYou should really show us your new license photo. Seriously :D
That would be weird! I love having a wedding ring for so many reasons, but definitely to avoid the awkward moments :)
DeleteI totally will show you when I get it (it takes 2 weeks)
Ok, here's another novel for you. In Filipino culture, when a woman marries, her maiden name becomes her middle name, which is what my sister did, but I didn't. I took my husband's name but got tired of people expecting a white person when finally meeting me after speaking on the phone (like making an appointment). When we divorced, I took my name back and when I married my for REAL husband, I kept my name -- partly because I'd been using it professionally and partly because I wanted to hold on to my ethnic identity.
ReplyDeleteWe ended up not having kids, but the vet has our cats filed under my last name, I think because they couldn't fit both of our names in their databases. Haha! We only ever noticed this on prescription bottles. Also, I recently bought new address labels and they say The MyName HisName Family because despite not having children, we still consider ourselves and our cats a family, plus, friends address things to us that way anyway.
What's funny is that he always gets called Mr. MyName. :D
I thought about taking my last name as my middle name, but my middle name is the same as my mom's and I love it, so I want to keep it. That makes sense about keeping your name-especially after getting married again.
DeleteHahaha that's hilarious he gets called Mr. Yourname. How funny. Cats are totally your family!
I agonized over this as well. My maiden name is very difficult to pronounce, and a part of my life growing up and as an adult involved people saying, "Katie...awkward pause...um?" and me saying, "Yep, that's me! Katie [insert my maiden name]." People even said, "You must be looking forward to having an easier last name!" when I was engaged. The truth was that I wasn't looking forward to it all that much because I liked my difficult and annoying (and unique!) last name even though nobody else did. Like you, though, I did not like the idea of me with a different last name than my future kids, so I did change it when we got married, but I kept my maiden name as a second middle name, so now I have a ridiculously long official name, except for the actual last name, which is short. I did change it right away, partly because it's free to change when you get married (in our state anyway), and you have to pay if you do it at a later time, BUT it took me a while to change it in other aspects of life. I changed it on my marriage certificate and my passport when we got married, but didn't change it on my drivers license until last year, after our 5 year anniversary. This bugged my husband for a while, but to me, the passport is the most important thing, so I told him to not sweat it. For years, I introduced myself as Katie [Maiden name] [Married name] and always corrected those who dropped the married name, which happened a lot, but somehow, over the past couple years, I started to introduce myself with just the married name. I think this is partially because it's easier (much easier in my case!), but also because I grew into the married and over time it felt like it was my name, which of course it is, but it took some time for me to embrace it. I used to think I was the weirdo, but over the years, I've met women married for 10 even 15+ years who still used their maiden name and married name in different aspects of life. It's totally cool, and eventually you figure out what works for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm glad I'm not the only one that had a hard time with it. I'm so excited to be married to B and that I get to take his last name, it's just....weird to not have my old one.
ReplyDeleteI feel you... I have gone back and forth so many times since my wedding. My husband doesn't have a preference, and I don't want to lost my maiden name, but I really want us to have the same last name, so I'm using my maiden name as my middle name and taking his last name (which is a badass name anyway.) I still haven't gone to the S.S. office to make it official yet, but it's on my list of adult responsibilities for the month. Which could take a while. Ha.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good idea. I would totally do that if I didn't like my middle name so much.
DeleteHaha it took me forever! You can send stuff in, but it takes longer. And is nerve-wracking because then if the mail gets lost you no longer have a S.S. card or passport....